New Rival Tour Looking To Poach Quaich Players

Controversy has once again engulfed the Quaich as the upstart “Tartan Tour” has been holding multiple clandestine meetings with Quaich superstars. The Tartan Tour, which is backed by the secretive Haggis Investment Fund, is rumored to be offering lucrative incentives to players who chose to defect from the Quaich. 

An inside source revealed that the Tartan Tour has lined up Team Scotland players Ian “Big Man” MacCallum, Ross “Rosco” MacCallum and Allen “Orr Wullie” Wilson to be co-commissioners. The Scottish trio, who have a long history of aggressively taking on the establishment, wasted no time recruiting other players to the break-away league. Undercover reporting revealed that several popular current Team USA members have been lavishly entertained in Scotland over the summer. 

Swayze & son with MacCallums at Elie

Team USA icon Eric “Swayze” Silagy, who is still sour at not being part of the original Quaich events in 2004 and 2006, is reportedly tempted by the idea of being a Tartan Tour founder. He even brought his 20-year-old son Maks to St. Andrews to help him decide whether to make the switch. 

As Swayze departed Scotland, he shouted at the MacCallum brothers from the steps of his private jet, “I’ll get my people to talk to your people and we’ll get something over the line.” If Swayze bolts for the Tartan Tour, it is expected that the other players in his "tree" such as Ray "Mundo" Bonilla, Sam "Scottish Sam" Forrest, and Chris "Guv'na" Hughes, will follow.

All smiles at Tartan Tour planning session

“We believe we can co-exist with the Quaich,” said Rosco, pledging to have Tartan Tour events only in the Quaich off-years. Quaich officials were succinct in their response. “Any player who plays in a Tartan Tour event will be permanently barred from participation in the Quaich.” 

Chris “Guvna” Hughes jetted into Scotland to weigh up his options as well. Guvna was joined by a mysterious American player, rumored to be one-time Quaich fan favorite John “Gumby” Reardon. Gumby, of course, has been desperate to rejoin Team USA and would jump at an opportunity to be part of the new tour. As for Guvna, it is well-known that he was

Mystery American being courted by MacCallums

unhappy with his shared bunkroom accommodation at the last Quaich in Rosemary Beach, but he is likely only leveraging his Tartan Tour flirtation for a single room during Quaich 2024. Also, given the gun laws in Scotland, it seems unlikely that he would jump ship. In Scotland, Guvna was heard muttering, “If I cain’t bring ma guns, I ain’t goin’ “. 

Mundo may not "measure up" to Tartan Tour height requirements

The trickle turned into a flood as even Quaich stalwart Ray “Mundo” Bonilla considered making the move. Sources reveal that Mundo met with the MacCallum brothers in St. Andrews to discuss financial incentives. He was purportedly unimpressed by the MacCallum brothers’ initial offer of two pints of Bellhaven Best and a steak pie with brown sauce. Although Rosco did also offer to include a sticky toffee pudding as a sweetener. 

Finally for the Quaich aficionados wondering about who could be next to consider the renegade tour, we can confirm it will not be Chris “Cudman” Van Horne. After an exhaustive complaint procedure, it was established that the “Sine Die” ban on Cudman for his infamous expletive-filled rant in the dining room of the Fairmont St Andrews still stands and he will not be offered a place on the Tartan Tour. When asked for comment, Cudman said, “They can go f*** themselves.” 

We hope to provide further updates shortly.