Whistleblower Complaint Reveals Alarming Quaich Quid Pro Quo

A complaint from an anonymous whistleblower has drawn attention to an October 25 phone call between former Team USA player Bret "Fabric" Baier and current team captain Brian "Goombay" Farley, during which Fabric asked for reinstatement onto the team in exchange for an opportunity to play a future Quaich match round at the venerable Augusta National Golf Club in Augusta, Georgia.

"I am reporting an urgent concern," said the whistleblower in a letter to the Quaich Inspector General.  "In the course of my official duties, I have received information from multiple Quaich officials that Fabric is using the power of his celebrity and connections to solicit interference in the 2020 Quaich matches."

Upon reading the whistleblower's complaint, Captain Farley quickly released the transcript of the October 25 call.  He described it as a "perfect call" and demanded that the identity of the whistleblower be revealed.

MEMORANDUM OF TELEPHONE CONVERSATION 

DECLASSIFIED BY ORDER OF THE CAPTAIN

Goombay: Congratulations on becoming a member of Augusta National and thank you for hosting me for a memorable round of golf there.

Fabric: Well it's very nice of you to say that. I will say that I do a lot for you. I spend a lot of effort and a lot of time. Much more than your Quaich buddies are doing and they should be helping you more than they are.  Swayze does almost nothing for you. Did he get you on Augusta National? No. All he does is talk and I think it's something that you should really ask him about.

Goombay: Yes, you are absolutely right.  I would like to thank you again for inviting me to play at Augusta and follow up on your offer to have the club host us for one round of the Quaich matches in May.

Fabric: I would like you to do me a favor though because I have been through a lot and you know a lot about it.  Being removed from the team after 2012 wasn't right given my winning record.  Not right at all.  A lot of people are still talking about it.  A lot of people want to see me back on the team.

Goombay: But that would mean kicking someone else off the team.

Fabric: That one guy, the chubby one with the Baffler and short back-swing, he's bad news.  You'll do the right thing.  Get back to me soon.

END OF CONVERSATION

Bret "Fabric" Baier (2nd from left) and Brian "Goombay" Farley (3rd from left) on the Hogan Bridge at Augusta National Golf Club in October 2019

A special committee has been formed to examine the whistleblower complaint and witnesses are expected to be deposed in the next two weeks.  With less than five months until the 2020 Quaich matches in Rosemary Beach, Florida, U.S. Captain Farley is calling for a quick resolution to this matter.  "This is a hoax," said an exasperated Goombay.  "No Captain in Quaich history has been treated like this."  

Oor Wullie Abandons Productive Life to Focus on Quaich Prep

Oor Wullie practicing at Old Course

Allen "Oor Wullie" Wilson was at one time a respected global financier.  He built a reputation as a brilliant strategist and advisor in the debt and equity capital markets.  However, in early summer, Oor Wullie abruptly left his job, leased his home in Vancouver, BC, and moved his family to a remote fishing village on the east coast of Scotland.

"I don't understand it," said Adam Sinclair, head of Canadian corporate banking at ScotiaBank.  "Allen was a rising star in investment banking and his career was so promising."

Rosco and Oor Wullie at Elie

"Allen is having some sort of inexplicable personal crisis," said Peter Myers, head of investment banking at BMO Capital Markets.  "It is really very sad."

Quaich insiders report that Oor Wullie has completely dedicated himself to preparing for Quaich 2020.  He plays 36 holes of links golf each day, often with fellow members of Team Scotland, followed by 6 - 7 pints of Tennent's Lager at a local pub.

Oor Wullie and friend outside Ship Inn, Elie

"He comes in here often after a round of golf," said Amy Anstruther, Deputy General Manager at The Ship Inn in Elie.  "He sits by himself at the bar, making detailed notes about greens in regulation and strokes gained putting is his diary."

Oor Wullie and Big Man at Elie

His obsession with improving his golf game in advance of next year's Quaich matches has taken a toll on his home life.  "The children don't even know their father any more," said a tearful Nicky Wilson.  "Sadly, they think Daddy goes to work every day at an office building called Kingsbarns."

At Last! Quaich Details Announced

With only 7 months until Quaich 2020 in Rosemary Beach, Florida, the Host Committee has been scrambling to organize an event worthy of the celebrated history of the Quaich.  The idea of pearlescent white sand beaches, turquoise waters and lush private golf courses in exclusive Rosemary Beach seemed almost too good to be true.  As the weeks went by without details, anxious fans began wondering if this could be turning into the Fyre Festival of Quaichs, where the marketing was bigger than the reality.  

"I dunnae wanna brag," said Ronald "Wee Ronnie" Denholm, who chaired the Quaich 2018 Host Committee. "But we were transparent and provided all event details a full year prior."

Shark's Tooth Golf Club

This afternoon, in a hastily arranged press conference, Team USA Captain, Brian "Goombay" Farley, found redemption and provided the detail for which the public had been waiting. 

Competition Schedule and Format

• Thursday, April 30. 9 A.M.
• 2-man best ball at Shark's Tooth Golf Club, site of Sheets' first ever hole in one, which is still the talk of the membership.  https://clubsbyjoe.com/Golf/Shark_s_Tooth_Golf_Club_(1)
• Friday, May 1 
• Morning round will be a chapman or modified scramble format and played at The Links Golf Club (but this ain't no Scottish links) https://www.sandestinlinks.com/  
• Afternoon round (2-man best ball) is at one of the best courses on the Florida panhandle, Burnt Pine. http://burntpinegolfclub.com/  
• Saturday, May 2, 9 A.M.
•  Singles at Shark's Tooth Golf Club

Lodging details

• "Quaich Compound," which consists of two houses (each with a carriage house attached) located immediately next door to each other  
• Rosemary Beach Police Department has been notified  
• No intra- or inter-squad spooning allowed (or required)
• Pictures and descriptions of lodging can be found here:   https://www.vrbo.com/582990, https://www.vrbo.com/582910, https://rosemarybeach.com/rentals/availability/sandy-souls-cottage-&-carriage-house/?NCK=8882516574&ContactID=39173923000
• Housing and room-mate assignments to be issued at later date; however, please be aware that Michael "Wee Mikey" Redford has already requested a wee trundle bed nearest to Tony "Hef" Denson

Cost

• $2,000 per player includes
• 5 nights lodging (allows for early arrival on Tuesday, April 28 with departures Sunday morning, May 3)
• 4 rounds of golf
• 4 dinners, 3 lunches, and simple "make it yourself, you lazy bastard" in-home breakfasts each day
• 64 gallons of booze.  Each. 
• Beach chairs, bicycles, and a case of Advil.

The excitement is starting to build!  Ladbrokes lists Team Scotland as a 4 ½ point favorite in early betting.

Inter-squad Rendezvous Overheard

Tony "Hef" Denson and Chris "Cudman" Van Horne put aside rivalries to break bread earlier this month in northern Virginia, outside Washington D.C.  Both men were joined by their significant others.  What began as a wholesome dinner in the Del Ray neighborhood of Alexandria quickly turned quite lewd.  

Hef had a long conversation with Cudman about the recreational use of Viagra as a man ages.  Restaurant patrons complained when Hef loudly spoke of "having a more consistent and dependable erection."  As he was enthusiastically telling Cudman that he recommends cutting the 100 mg Viagra tablet into thirds, Hef was asked by the maitre d' to lower his voice. 

Simultaneously, Hef's exotic Eastern European companion, Tanja, was overheard talking to Vicki Van Horne about a sexual maneuver called the "Tallin Libliklõõts", which gets its name from a traditional Estonian musical practice that involves blowing into two flutes at the same time.  

Hef (left) and Cudman in D.C.

Mrs. Cudman (left) and Hef's female companion, Tanja. 

After dinner, the two couples quietly paid their bill and disappeared into the night.  Two days later, Cudman was seen attaching a pineapple-shaped knocker of the front door of his home on Malcolm Place while Vicki planted decorative Pampas grass along the front garden border.

Quaich 2020 Host Committee Behind Schedule and Over Budget. Leadership Changes Looming.

The Quaich 2020 Host Committee is facing difficult questions about ongoing delays in the organization of next year's matches between USA and Scotland.  With less than 300 days until the start of the bi-annual matches, construction of several venues has not started and some major contracts have yet been tendered, setting the stage for a last-minute rush that will likely drive up costs.  

Amid rumors of significant cost overruns, mounting delays, and venue changes, embattled USA Captain and Host Committee Chairman Brian "Goombay" Farley finally announced meager details about the 2020 Quaich early this morning.  Rather than basking in the excitement of the announcement, Goombay faced questions about whether everything will be ready on time.  The assembled media interrogated Goombay about the specific courses to be played, restaurants to be patronized and accommodation details.  Shockingly, he was unable to provide answers beyond saying that more information will be forthcoming.

 "It cannae be done," said a flustered Ian "Big Man" MacCallum of Team Scotland. "Goombay's all bum and parsley if he thinks we can do this with jus' nine months time!"  

Members of the Quaich 2020 Host Committee are quietly talking about bringing in a proven operational leader to replace Goombay, who is a lawyer by training with no operational experience.  

"I can't comment on this situation," said former USA Captain Eric "Swayze" Silagy, wearing a hard hat and military-grade sunglasses inside a hurricane command center in Riviera Beach, Florida.  "But if it were me, I'd be staging equipment and hardening key Quaich venues right now."

The information as we know it today is as follows:

Where:  Rosemary Beach, Florida.  Connecting flights into Panama City, FL airport (20 minutes from Rosemary Beach) from a dozen cities in the U.S., including Atlanta, Charlotte, Dallas, Houston and many others.  Additional airport options include Pensacola, FL (1.5 hour drive) Ft. Walton, FL (1 hour drive) and a few others.  

When:  Opening Dinner Wednesday, April 29, 2020.  Closing Dinner Saturday, May 2.  Departures the morning of Sunday, May 3.  Accommodations will be available Tuesday, April 28, for those arriving early.  

Golf:  Practice rounds the morning of Wednesday, April 29.  Official tournament begins on Thursday, April 30.  Four tournament rounds (all with buggies):  18 holes Thursday, 36 holes Friday, 18 holes Saturday.