Wee Mikey P Will Play for Scotland Despite Team USA Coronavirus Fears

To the relief of Scottish fans everywhere, Michael “Wee Mikey P” Peyrebrune has officially declared his intent to play in the 2020 Quaich matches in Rosemary Beach, Florida in late April. Wee Mikey P, an unshakable Scotsman who holds a winning Quaich record, was previously considered unlikely to participate in this year’s matches because of personal and professional commitments.  

Wee Mikey P is marrying his long-time companion, Hilda, on April 3^rd --- a mere 26 days before the start of the Quaich matches.  Beyond his pending nuptials, Wee Mikey P’s attendance at the Quaich was thought doubtful for logistical reasons.   Wee Mikey P, now the  Head Coach and Director of Swimming at the Chinese Swimming Club in Singapore, will need to make a 16,000 km trip to get to Florida.  

“Retaining the Quaich for my home country is a priority,” said Wee Mikey P. “Hilda understands that my team needs me.  And I would travel any distance to be there.”

“We are excited that Wee Mikey P will be able to make it for the Quaich matches,” said Scottish Captain Ronald "NSW Ronnie” Denholm.  “He is critical to our strategy of retaining the Quaich for Scotland.”

In a clear exercise in gamesmanship, Team USA has officially protested Wee Mikey P’s participation in this year’s Quaich due to fears that he will expose players to the coronavirus.  

Wee Mikey P taking coronavirus precautions at Chinese Swimming Club, Singapore

“I object to Mikey P’s participation for health reasons,” said USA Captain Brian “Goombay” Farley.  “That Chinese Swimming Club place sounds like a breeding ground for the coronavirus.  The indoor jacuzzi they have there seems like a f**king petri dish!”

Because of Goombay’s concerns, Wee Mikey P’s journey from Singapore will now include a two-week quarantine in a dormitory at Lackland Air Force Base in Texas where he will be evaluated for symptoms of the coronavirus before being allowed to continue on to Florida.

Unfazed by the ruckus, Mikey P has been busy honing his golf game at the Palm Springs Country Club in Batam, Indonesia.  His regular caddy, a beautiful young lady named Fitri, provided insider information on Mikey P’s training.  “Mister Michael likes the foot rub every three or four holes,” said Fitri.  “And then a massage plus plus at the end of the round.”

Wee Mikey P and his Indonesian caddy, Fitri

Team USA Engulfed in Opioid Scandal!

As we move ever closer to Quaich 2020, it seems that Team USA is about to be engulfed in a drugs scandal.

CNBC: Farley Dealing With Opioid Scandal

NSW Ronnie, Team Scotland's captain, was quoted as saying, "We all knew that Sheets was doped up to the eyeballs for the Quaich but this is on a whole new level. When the Team Captain is pushing opioids, you wonder if it’s still sport on a level playing field". 

SNW Ronnie reassured fans that this issue has been raised to the highest levels of sport.  “I have spoken to Dick Pound at WADA and consideration is being given to a worldwide ban on Team USA,” said NSW Ronnie.

“Coming so close to the Quaich itself is a shocker!,” exclaimed Ian “Big Man” MacCallum.

There has been some discussion about allowing certain members of Team USA to compete under a neutral flag if they can prove they are clean.  But given this appears to be systemic, reaching to the highest levels of the team, and further the likelihood of any Team USA member being able to pee straight into a c

up, that approach has been vetoed.

The case may hinge on Team USA’s counter claim that their drug use can hardly be considered to have been performance enhancing.  Given their showing in the last Quaich, they may have a point.