Captain Hef Names Scotland Vice Captains

Tony “Hef” Denson, the newly appointed captain of Team Scotland, wasted no time in assembling his leadership team in advance of Quaich 2024. Wearing only a scarlet kimono-style silk bathrobe during a live-streamed press conference from his bedroom in Bonita Springs, Florida, Hef announced that his Vice Captains in 2024 will be Natasha Novoselova and Paloma Sunil. The stunning beauties, who appeared alongside Hef, have little golf experience. Novoselova, an aspiring model and club hostess, is best known as a one-time back-up singer for the underground Russian band Søika. And Sunil’s resume features a secondary role in the Bollywood film “Jism 3”. 

Hef and Vice Captains

When asked for his perspective on his predecessor’s term as captain, Hef, who is the first non-Scot to lead Team Scotland, was characteristically blunt.  “Dear Ronnie’s efforts at Rosemary Beach were really quite flaccid,” said Hef. “I plan a reliable, enduring, rigorous captaincy. And we will see a quality response from the guys … again and again.”

When asked about their lack of golf experience, the new Vice Captains delighted the assembled media with sexual double entendres about getting it in the hole, stiff shafts, foursomes, playing the backside and mowed fringe.  “Our golf knowledge is secondary,” said Novoselova. “What is most important is that we understand what motivates and inspires men to perform.”

The 11^th meeting of the teams from the USA and Scotland is planned for the northwest of England in 2024. Further details will be announced at a later time.

Career Statistics

There was some movement in the career individual statistics as a result of the 2022 Quaich matches in Rosemary Beach, FL. While the top four remained unchanged, Chris "Cudman" Van Horne leap-frogged the brothers MacCallum into a tie for 5th on the all-time leaderboard. Chris "Guvna" Hughes also jumped a couple of spots in the ranking on the virtue of his 4-0 record in Rosemary Beach. Scottish Sam trails only Fabric as the leader in percentage of wins. Medium Mike remains last on the list in all categories.

USA Runs Away With Win In 20th Anniversary of Quaich Matches

A renascent Team USA won all four match sessions in Rosemary Beach to hand Scotland its biggest loss since 2008, taking the Quaich with a final score of 14 - 6. The U.S. squad clearly had something to prove and waited 4 long years to show the world it is a changed team from the one that lost the previous two events.

"I am so proud of my team," said first-time Captain Brian "Goombay" Farley. "I just hope everyone had fun."

Goombay was masterful in guiding his team with his light touch and "fun first" mentality. Defying convention and ignoring statistical analysis, Goombay sent out pairs that had little history with each other.

"I thought the unusual parings were a f***ing mistake and told him so," said Chris "Cudman" Van Horne. "But I am glad it worked out for me." Cudman led the US squad with 4 points along with Chris "Guvna" Hughes.

The Scottish team seemed out of sorts from the outset. The beautiful Florida weather and availability of on-course beverages may have been the cause. Trailing 6.5 to 1.5 after day one, Scottish Captain Ronald "NSW Ronnie" Denholm called an emergency team meeting later that night. Despite it being a closed door session, NSW's shouts from the team room could be heard in throughout the plantation style house on Round Road in Rosemary Beach. "Ah cannae even lewk at yew! Yew are nae the descendants o' William Wallace! Ima nae cactus expert, but I know a bunch of pricks when I see them! The only one scoring points here is our f***ing American!"

The Scottish points leader in 2022 was Sam "Scottish Sam" Forrest, a Texan now living in Jupiter, Florida. Scottish Sam, who finished with 3 points, filled in for the ailing Douglas "Slicer" Brown, who was unable to make the trip across the Atlantic due to a "dodgy ticker".

NSW's attempts to rally his team fell short. Team USA never let up on the accelerator and cruised to a comfortable victory. With his shoulders wrapped in the Stars and Stripes on the 18th green at Windswept Golf Club, Goombay had a satisfied smile on his face as he watched his team celebrate a well-deserved victory. 

Asked to sum up the what the team victory meant to him, Cudman took a healthy swig of High Noon Lime and said, "No Cudman, no Quaich."