Team USA Drops 2022 Hype Video

 Remember the name. Turn up the volume!

Nae Web, Nae Quaich!

The beleaguered Quaich 2020, already rescheduled three times, faced another set-back this week when it was revealed that Stephen “Web” Webster would not be able to participate on the agreed upon dates in May 2022 due to mysterious “personal commitments”.  Exhausted USA Team Captain, Brian “Goombay” Farley, polled his team about its willingness to change dates once again, and the entire dramatic episode revealed much about Web’s standing in the Team USA locker room.

Upon being notified of Web’s date conflict, several members of Team USA, led by James “Sheets” Moreland, wasted no time in circulating the names of viable replacements. Former Quaich favorites such as Bret “Fabric” Baier, John “Gumby” Reardon, and Tony “T-Bone” Milo were all considered. Sheets advocated for potential newcomers from his hometown of Shreveport, Louisiana --- men with names like Sweet Pea, Bubba Trump, and Corndog.

It looked grim for Web until support came from the most unlikely of places. Scotland.
“Nae Web, Nae Quaich!” declared Ross “Rosco” MacCallum, creating a rallying cry for the movement to change the dates of next year’s event.

“Of course we were going to accommodate Web,” said Team Scotland Captain Ronald “NSW Ronnie” Denholm. “He has been a big reason for Scotland’s success in the last two Quaich matches.”

“Web is very popular with the Scottish team,” said Douglas “Slicer” Brown. “We all want to play with him in the singles matches.”

In the end, Captain Farley and the rest of Team USA acquiesced. The dates of Quaich 2020 2022 have been changed to April 25 – 30, 2022.

New Dates for Quaich 2022

Rosemary Beach, FL --- April 2022

• Monday, April 25
• Arrivals
• Tuesday, April 26
• Arrivals
• Optional Practice Round
• Opening Ceremonies
• Wednesday, April 27
• 2-man best ball
• Thursday, April 28
• Morning round will be a chapman or modified scramble format 
• Afternoon round (2-man best ball)
• Friday, April 29
• Singles
• Closing Ceremonies
• Saturday, April 30
• Departures

Mikey P. Embarrasses Team! Riddler Standing By

What should have been a moment of great celebration has turned into a nightmare for Michael “Wee Mikey P” Penyrebrune. A guest at Mikey P’s wedding gala last weekend anonymously sent a video to The Scotsmannewspaper and to Team Scotland officials in Edinburgh that shows an inebriated Wee Mikey P dancing a flamboyant ceilidh with his bride. The disturbing images clearly show that Wee Mikey P was out of control and a danger to himself, his bride and the other guests at the wedding.

Team Scotland personal conduct policy establishes clear standards of behavior for all players and states that players must refrain from conduct detrimental to the integrity of the team. Team Scotland is obligated to promptly report any potential violation of the policy that comes to their attention and must fully cooperate with any related law enforcement and Quaich investigations.

 

“I’ve seen the video,” said former Scotland player Kevin “Riddler” Riddle. “It is frightening. I think Mikey P’s behavior hurts the reputation of others involved in the matches and undercuts public respect and support for the Quaich.” It is well-known in Quaich circles that Riddler is eager to rejoin Team Scotland. Riddler, who last played for the team in 2014, smells blood in the water with this latest fiasco.

 

“Team Scotland will follow a fair and predictable process for investigating the incident and ultimately taking disciplinary action if a violation has occurred,” said Scottish Captain Ronald “Wee Ronnie” Denholm. 

 

As a next step, Mikey P will undergo a clinical psychiatric evaluation and counseling. Team Scotland is also providing resources to assist victims and families affected by the “ceilidh gone wrong” incident.

 

Team Scotland has not been rocked by a disgrace like this since the Tony “Hef” Denson sex tape scandal of 2008. Mikey P’s fate should be announced in the coming weeks.

Scots Endure Chilly Water and Shrinkage In Open Water Training

Despite the stoney silence from across the pond regarding the Quaich re-start date, Team Scotland is stepping up its rigorous training schedule to ensure they are fully fit for the big event, even at short notice. 

Because fitness and endurance has been part of his team's recent success in the Quaich matches, Team Captain Ronald "Wee Ronnie" Denholm

Shrinkage at Loch Lomand

has mandated daily open water training sessions for his troops. Paparazzi caught this undercover shot of Ian "Big Man" MacCallum and Douglas "Slicer" Brown as they exited the chilly Scottish waters of Loch Lomond.

Rumours are circulating that Kevin "Riddler" Riddle has taken himself off to a remote Scottish hill loch and is piling in the miles just in case he is called up. Further daily text messages have been sent to Wee Ronnie reminding him that “the Riddler is ready”.

The Scots preparations for the big event continue.

USA Captain Ruthlessly Trolled on Social Media as Quaich Rescheduling Remains a Mystery

With the future of the Quaich unclear due to the worldwide Covid-19 pandemic, golf fans have been looking to the social media accounts of USA Captain Brian “Goombay” Farley for hope. An announcement about the rescheduling of the next Quaich matches in Florida is expected from Goombay soon via his Instagram account. But instead of posting about future dates and team rosters, Goombay has been feeding fans with inspirational quotes, cat photos and bizarre selfies. 

In a recent post, Goombay posted a photo of himself dressed up in an old team uniform with a caption, “I'm too glam to give a damn!” 

Avid Quaich fans and other social media trolls around the globe immediately started commenting on the post in Instagram. 

"Does this mean you don't give a damn about rescheduling the Quaich?" asked blue_flamingo77.

"Give us the new match dates, you ridiculous knob head!" replied ianmaccal.

 "You look like the before picture!" posted phlegm5316.

"Bitch, please, your birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory!" commented machinita.

"I don't know what's worse...your IQ or your hairline," stated allen.w.wilson.

"Did you mean to gain so much weight or did it happen by snaccident?" asked moreland4954.

"The last time I saw something like you, I flushed it," posted bonilla_ray.

The Quaich matches originally scheduled for April 2020 have not been rescheduled. 

Oor Wullie Goes Under the Knife to Save Quaich Career

Allen “Oor Wullie” Wilson has undergone major surgery on his ankle in a bid to participate in the upcoming Quaich matches. A long standing issue with his lateral malleolus tendon

Oor Wullie's Ankle post-surgery

was preventing Wullie from completing his swing, and his form was in freefall over the last year. 

The surgery went well, according to Team Scotland physios. However, Wullie still has to use a buggy to get around the St Andrews links, drawing glares from the locals who eschew any sort of mechanical assistance while playing the ancient game.

Former Scottish fan favorite, Kevin “Riddler” Riddle has been keeping a keen eye on events and is rumoured to be bombarding Captain Ronald “Wee Ronnie” Denholm with text messages, offering to step in for the ailing Oor Wullie. “A fully fit Riddler or Wullie on one foot is a tight call,” Wee Ronnie was overheard saying while tucking into a large curried mutton pie at The Holborn Dining Room in London. “I think we will see how things progress.”

NSW Ronnie's Curried Mutton Pie

Pulse Check: The Web

Since his peak as a Quaich performer in the early 2000’s, Stephen “Web” Webster’s golf game has disappeared faster than a box of Bakewell tarts on Ronald “NSW Ronnie” Denholm’s kitchen counter. “His decline has been hard to watch,” said USA Captain Brian “Goombay” Farley. “Frankly, the only reason he’s still on the team is because of his colossally high handicap.”

Web looked lost on the golf course during the last two Quaich events, going 0-6-2, and decided to making swing changes as a result. Over the last several months, he has largely kept out of the public eye, even skipping the last Team USA practice session in Florida to work on his game in solitude. “I speak to him regularly,” said teammate and good friend Chris “Cudman” Van Horne. “He talks about trusting the process and believing in himself again. What kind of candyass says s*** like that?”

On April 24^th, Web continued his rehabilitation work with a casual round at CommonGround Golf Course in Denver with friends. After recording a score of 8 on the opening par-4 1^st hole, Web was visibly frustrated and told his group that he would be walking back to the clubhouse. With encouragement from his playing partners, Web pulled a gap wedge on the 118-yard 2^nd hole, a diabolical par-3 with an elevated “volcano” green design. Despite the demons in his head, Web stood over his Srixon fully committed to his retooled swing. The resulting blow produced a high, gentle draw which landed 6 feet short of the pin and rolled in. Ace!

Is he back? One shot does not a comeback make. But it was certainly encouraging news for fans of Team USA.