Mikey P. Embarrasses Team! Riddler Standing By

What should have been a moment of great celebration has turned into a nightmare for Michael “Wee Mikey P” Penyrebrune. A guest at Mikey P’s wedding gala last weekend anonymously sent a video to The Scotsmannewspaper and to Team Scotland officials in Edinburgh that shows an inebriated Wee Mikey P dancing a flamboyant ceilidh with his bride. The disturbing images clearly show that Wee Mikey P was out of control and a danger to himself, his bride and the other guests at the wedding.

Team Scotland personal conduct policy establishes clear standards of behavior for all players and states that players must refrain from conduct detrimental to the integrity of the team. Team Scotland is obligated to promptly report any potential violation of the policy that comes to their attention and must fully cooperate with any related law enforcement and Quaich investigations.

 

“I’ve seen the video,” said former Scotland player Kevin “Riddler” Riddle. “It is frightening. I think Mikey P’s behavior hurts the reputation of others involved in the matches and undercuts public respect and support for the Quaich.” It is well-known in Quaich circles that Riddler is eager to rejoin Team Scotland. Riddler, who last played for the team in 2014, smells blood in the water with this latest fiasco.

 

“Team Scotland will follow a fair and predictable process for investigating the incident and ultimately taking disciplinary action if a violation has occurred,” said Scottish Captain Ronald “Wee Ronnie” Denholm. 

 

As a next step, Mikey P will undergo a clinical psychiatric evaluation and counseling. Team Scotland is also providing resources to assist victims and families affected by the “ceilidh gone wrong” incident.

 

Team Scotland has not been rocked by a disgrace like this since the Tony “Hef” Denson sex tape scandal of 2008. Mikey P’s fate should be announced in the coming weeks.

Scots Endure Chilly Water and Shrinkage In Open Water Training

Despite the stoney silence from across the pond regarding the Quaich re-start date, Team Scotland is stepping up its rigorous training schedule to ensure they are fully fit for the big event, even at short notice. 

Because fitness and endurance has been part of his team's recent success in the Quaich matches, Team Captain Ronald "Wee Ronnie" Denholm

Shrinkage at Loch Lomand

has mandated daily open water training sessions for his troops. Paparazzi caught this undercover shot of Ian "Big Man" MacCallum and Douglas "Slicer" Brown as they exited the chilly Scottish waters of Loch Lomond.

Rumours are circulating that Kevin "Riddler" Riddle has taken himself off to a remote Scottish hill loch and is piling in the miles just in case he is called up. Further daily text messages have been sent to Wee Ronnie reminding him that “the Riddler is ready”.

The Scots preparations for the big event continue.

USA Captain Ruthlessly Trolled on Social Media as Quaich Rescheduling Remains a Mystery

With the future of the Quaich unclear due to the worldwide Covid-19 pandemic, golf fans have been looking to the social media accounts of USA Captain Brian “Goombay” Farley for hope. An announcement about the rescheduling of the next Quaich matches in Florida is expected from Goombay soon via his Instagram account. But instead of posting about future dates and team rosters, Goombay has been feeding fans with inspirational quotes, cat photos and bizarre selfies. 

In a recent post, Goombay posted a photo of himself dressed up in an old team uniform with a caption, “I'm too glam to give a damn!” 

Avid Quaich fans and other social media trolls around the globe immediately started commenting on the post in Instagram. 

"Does this mean you don't give a damn about rescheduling the Quaich?" asked blue_flamingo77.

"Give us the new match dates, you ridiculous knob head!" replied ianmaccal.

 "You look like the before picture!" posted phlegm5316.

"Bitch, please, your birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory!" commented machinita.

"I don't know what's worse...your IQ or your hairline," stated allen.w.wilson.

"Did you mean to gain so much weight or did it happen by snaccident?" asked moreland4954.

"The last time I saw something like you, I flushed it," posted bonilla_ray.

The Quaich matches originally scheduled for April 2020 have not been rescheduled. 

Oor Wullie Goes Under the Knife to Save Quaich Career

Allen “Oor Wullie” Wilson has undergone major surgery on his ankle in a bid to participate in the upcoming Quaich matches. A long standing issue with his lateral malleolus tendon

Oor Wullie's Ankle post-surgery

was preventing Wullie from completing his swing, and his form was in freefall over the last year. 

The surgery went well, according to Team Scotland physios. However, Wullie still has to use a buggy to get around the St Andrews links, drawing glares from the locals who eschew any sort of mechanical assistance while playing the ancient game.

Former Scottish fan favorite, Kevin “Riddler” Riddle has been keeping a keen eye on events and is rumoured to be bombarding Captain Ronald “Wee Ronnie” Denholm with text messages, offering to step in for the ailing Oor Wullie. “A fully fit Riddler or Wullie on one foot is a tight call,” Wee Ronnie was overheard saying while tucking into a large curried mutton pie at The Holborn Dining Room in London. “I think we will see how things progress.”

NSW Ronnie's Curried Mutton Pie

Pulse Check: The Web

Since his peak as a Quaich performer in the early 2000’s, Stephen “Web” Webster’s golf game has disappeared faster than a box of Bakewell tarts on Ronald “NSW Ronnie” Denholm’s kitchen counter. “His decline has been hard to watch,” said USA Captain Brian “Goombay” Farley. “Frankly, the only reason he’s still on the team is because of his colossally high handicap.”

Web looked lost on the golf course during the last two Quaich events, going 0-6-2, and decided to making swing changes as a result. Over the last several months, he has largely kept out of the public eye, even skipping the last Team USA practice session in Florida to work on his game in solitude. “I speak to him regularly,” said teammate and good friend Chris “Cudman” Van Horne. “He talks about trusting the process and believing in himself again. What kind of candyass says s*** like that?”

On April 24^th, Web continued his rehabilitation work with a casual round at CommonGround Golf Course in Denver with friends. After recording a score of 8 on the opening par-4 1^st hole, Web was visibly frustrated and told his group that he would be walking back to the clubhouse. With encouragement from his playing partners, Web pulled a gap wedge on the 118-yard 2^nd hole, a diabolical par-3 with an elevated “volcano” green design. Despite the demons in his head, Web stood over his Srixon fully committed to his retooled swing. The resulting blow produced a high, gentle draw which landed 6 feet short of the pin and rolled in. Ace!

Is he back? One shot does not a comeback make. But it was certainly encouraging news for fans of Team USA.

Wee Mikey P Will Play for Scotland Despite Team USA Coronavirus Fears

To the relief of Scottish fans everywhere, Michael “Wee Mikey P” Peyrebrune has officially declared his intent to play in the 2020 Quaich matches in Rosemary Beach, Florida in late April. Wee Mikey P, an unshakable Scotsman who holds a winning Quaich record, was previously considered unlikely to participate in this year’s matches because of personal and professional commitments.  

Wee Mikey P is marrying his long-time companion, Hilda, on April 3^rd --- a mere 26 days before the start of the Quaich matches.  Beyond his pending nuptials, Wee Mikey P’s attendance at the Quaich was thought doubtful for logistical reasons.   Wee Mikey P, now the  Head Coach and Director of Swimming at the Chinese Swimming Club in Singapore, will need to make a 16,000 km trip to get to Florida.  

“Retaining the Quaich for my home country is a priority,” said Wee Mikey P. “Hilda understands that my team needs me.  And I would travel any distance to be there.”

“We are excited that Wee Mikey P will be able to make it for the Quaich matches,” said Scottish Captain Ronald "NSW Ronnie” Denholm.  “He is critical to our strategy of retaining the Quaich for Scotland.”

In a clear exercise in gamesmanship, Team USA has officially protested Wee Mikey P’s participation in this year’s Quaich due to fears that he will expose players to the coronavirus.  

Wee Mikey P taking coronavirus precautions at Chinese Swimming Club, Singapore

“I object to Mikey P’s participation for health reasons,” said USA Captain Brian “Goombay” Farley.  “That Chinese Swimming Club place sounds like a breeding ground for the coronavirus.  The indoor jacuzzi they have there seems like a f**king petri dish!”

Because of Goombay’s concerns, Wee Mikey P’s journey from Singapore will now include a two-week quarantine in a dormitory at Lackland Air Force Base in Texas where he will be evaluated for symptoms of the coronavirus before being allowed to continue on to Florida.

Unfazed by the ruckus, Mikey P has been busy honing his golf game at the Palm Springs Country Club in Batam, Indonesia.  His regular caddy, a beautiful young lady named Fitri, provided insider information on Mikey P’s training.  “Mister Michael likes the foot rub every three or four holes,” said Fitri.  “And then a massage plus plus at the end of the round.”

Wee Mikey P and his Indonesian caddy, Fitri

Team USA Engulfed in Opioid Scandal!

As we move ever closer to Quaich 2020, it seems that Team USA is about to be engulfed in a drugs scandal.

CNBC: Farley Dealing With Opioid Scandal

NSW Ronnie, Team Scotland's captain, was quoted as saying, "We all knew that Sheets was doped up to the eyeballs for the Quaich but this is on a whole new level. When the Team Captain is pushing opioids, you wonder if it’s still sport on a level playing field". 

SNW Ronnie reassured fans that this issue has been raised to the highest levels of sport.  “I have spoken to Dick Pound at WADA and consideration is being given to a worldwide ban on Team USA,” said NSW Ronnie.

“Coming so close to the Quaich itself is a shocker!,” exclaimed Ian “Big Man” MacCallum.

There has been some discussion about allowing certain members of Team USA to compete under a neutral flag if they can prove they are clean.  But given this appears to be systemic, reaching to the highest levels of the team, and further the likelihood of any Team USA member being able to pee straight into a c

up, that approach has been vetoed.

The case may hinge on Team USA’s counter claim that their drug use can hardly be considered to have been performance enhancing.  Given their showing in the last Quaich, they may have a point.